On Broken Trust

(Editor's note: I know it's been over a year.  Sometimes, you have to wait for life to happen before you have a lesson to discuss.  It's time. -- JRM)

I miss the smile
That you traded for the cold piece of armor wrapped around your heart

-- Marvelous 3, Let Me Go 

Dear John,

Trust is something that becomes harder and harder to come by as you get older. When you open your heart to someone, you always risk getting hurt; sometimes you do, sometimes you get lucky and you don't. Each time you get hurt, it becomes a little harder to open yourself up the next time.

I've been hurt a lot. I've been a very trusting person, opening my heart to almost anyone who wanted in, and I've lived to regret it much of the time. People tend to look after themselves before anyone else (it's a self-preservation mechanism), and sometimes, that means you're going to get in the way of that instinct. And hell, sometimes you just piss people off, through something you say, something you do, or by your sheer existence.

So how the hell are you supposed to keep trusting in people, knowing that the majority of them are going to violate that trust somehow?

It's hard. It's hard to have faith in people when they do everything in their power to show that they don't deserve that faith. It's hard to respect that sometimes, the people you care about just don't care back. It's hard not to let your love for other people turn to hate when they hurt you.

It's hard as hell to love people for who they are – for their flaws, their idiosyncrasies, for everything that makes them who they are. People are inherently flawed; if we were perfect, we wouldn't be such individuals, and it wouldn't be nearly as interesting. The problem with people being flawed is that they fail when you want them to succeed; their opinions on what's best for themselves and for you don't always mesh with your own, and you can end up hurt as a result. And so... you want them to change, to be that person you envision, rather than who they are.

Don't kid yourself, kid. It's hard as hell not to become too cynical and jaded to let anyone into your heart at all. It's hard as hell not to feel completely alone, like no one can possibly give a shit about you. Your heart gets broken, and you just want to curl up in a ball and lash out at anyone who does reach out to you, like a sick dog isolating himself before he dies. As hard as it is, though, you'll get through it, and you'll keep putting yourself out there.

You know I have some serious trust issues – I've even written about them. It takes years for me to be willing to let people past my first few layers of protection, because any time I've let them in, I wind up getting hurt. And I blame myself for not being careful, and I promise myself I'll be better in the future... and inevitably, I slip up, get hurt, and the cycle repeats.

It repeated itself over the past year or so. I met someone, and … there was something about him. Something that resonated with me.

...Not like that, dippy. I'm married. I'm talking about a friend. I'm just not that good at those, either.

But there was something... I can't even describe it. I've tried. Something about him struck me as … me. Like... why am I trying to explain this? The day I met him, I told my friend John that this guy was a lot like me.

Our friendship began … I like to pretend it was slowly, but he became so much of my world so quickly that I actually got scared. Within weeks, he was the best friend I'd had in a very long time. I felt like I knew him instantly – like within 15 minutes, I knew more about him than I knew about most people I'd known for years.

Or at least, I thought I did.

We were ridiculously close for about 6-8 months. I let him into my heart, told him things about me that I'd never even said out loud... and there were so many things he just knew, without me ever having to say them – things that were so off-the-wall I never talked about them, but he'd say something completely absurd and I'd almost cry, it was so accurate. I'd never felt more comfortable with someone – especially not so quickly! I've never trusted anyone so innately and so immediately, and there were very few people I'd EVER trusted so deeply. I came to love him as I love all the people who are important to me – with all of my heart, and exactly as he was.

And then.... I don't even know what happened. He slowly withdrew into himself... kind of like I do when I get scared, or confused, or something happens and I'm hurting. It was so slow, I didn't even notice at first. And when I finally did, he was so thoroughly installed in my heart that I felt like the only thing I could do was accept it and reassure him that if he ever needed to talk, I would be there. I figured, I was doing what someone's best friend should do – let him know I was there for him, without pushing him into anything. I expected it to last a few weeks, maybe a couple of months... or that maybe he'd trust me as much as I trusted him, and maybe he'd open up to me and I could help him in the same way he'd helped me through some really crappy times.

Instead of subsiding, though, it got worse. He withdrew more and more. It went from us talking for hours every day to barely seeing him for weeks at a time.

And then the lies started. Again, they were subtle at first... but they got more and more evident as time went on. It began to feel as though he was pushing me away intentionally, doing just enough to reel me back in, and then pushing away again. I let them go... but slowly, I started to withdraw too.

I started to feel … used. Cheated. Broken. Lost. Empty. Somehow, I'd lost him. I tried to deny it for a while. I even made attempts to restore our friendship, asking that we spend some time together, to hang out like we used to. I got no response to any of my requests – just more withdrawal and more lies. Eventually... I just gave up. I was forced to accept that this person, someone I'd let so completely into my heart, had decided that he was done with me and the easiest thing to do was to allow my heart to break.

I still don't know what happened, other than that I lost my best friend. I lost the one person I'd trusted most in this world, and one of the most important people in my life, and I still don't know why. I feel like I should have expected it. When I was young, I opened my heart to anyone who wanted a friend; as a result, I'd never had a best friend for more than a year. Why should I have expected anything different this time? Everyone else I was close to, it had taken me YEARS to let them into my heart the way this person had just shown up in there. I'd been so incredibly careful for so long – and THIS was why.

The hardest part... you know how I said I loved him exactly as he was? I still do. That place in my heart that I made for him? It will always be there, and will always be empty. Sure, it'll heal, but it will always be a reminder of the dangers inherent to letting someone into my heart.

I'm sure you're asking, how the hell can I let anyone in after this? Knowing that this was not the first time something like this has happened to me, how can I trust anyone, ever again?

Two reasons:

1. I do still have (most of) those people I've been so cautious with, but who did eventually make it into my heart. I know that some of the times I've let people in, they've actually enriched my life. Those people have helped make me the strong, independent, intelligent, caring person I am today. Those people have allowed my heart to grow because of their love for me.
2. Because of them, I still have hope. I have hope that I'll be smarter in the future. I have hope that my trust won't always be unwarranted. I have hope that there are still people out there who are worthy of my trust. I have hope that the people I've put my trust in will be there for me, the way I hope I am for them.

In a way, I'm still grateful that this happened. I'm grateful for the friendship that I had, because I did get a lot out of it, and my broken heart will mend in time. I'm grateful for the time we had as friends, because it gave me an opportunity to learn what it felt like to love someone openly and honestly, and to learn to love someone for exactly who they are, no matter what that means.

And I've learned a lot from it, too. I've learned that there are still people out there who are worth trusting, and I need to be honest with those people about how much I care about them. I've learned that I need to be better about trusting my instincts – I should have stepped back as soon as I got scared about how things were going with this friend. I've learned that it's hard as hell to decide you need to walk away from someone you care about – it breaks your heart all over again, and continues to do so every time you think about it. I've learned that it hurts even more when you get absolutely no response when you do walk away, even when that's exactly what you expect. All this pain... yeah, it's hard. But I'm learning from it, and I'll heal from it in time. I have faith in myself, I have faith in the resilience of my own heart, and I have faith in the people around me who've been kind enough to help me through this.

So my advice to you? People will leave, through your choice or theirs. Your heart will be broken, many times. Take your time with it, learn from it, and find the people who are worth keeping in your life as a result of it. You will always find that you're stronger than you think – but you have to be willing to risk the pain of finding that out.

Love,

JRM