Dear John,
Ever since you were born, I've wanted to tell you your story.
I want you to know how you came to be. I want you to know all of the circumstances around your birth – the good and the not-so-good. I want you to understand that giving you up, even to my parents, was not a decision I made lightly, and that as soon as I saw you, my own heart was completed and broken in the same instant.
I've wanted to tell you all of this for the past 13 years, but I couldn't find the words. So I waited.
As you've grown up, I've watched you go through many of the same trials and tribulations I went through. Sometimes, you've made the same decisions I did. Sometimes, you've paved your own way. In all cases, I wanted to be there for you, but I so rarely could be.
I've realized along the way that there have been a lot of times where I would have liked to have shared my own stories. Sometimes, I would have liked to have been able to point you in the right direction. Sometimes, I would have liked to have been able to to point you away from the wrong direction. And sometimes, I would have liked to have simply shared my experiences with you. I like to think that I might be able to relate to some of the things you have experienced, or the things you will experience. If I'm really lucky, maybe I can even give you some insights into your own life.
What I will tell you is that I'm deeply sorry that I haven't been as active a participant in your life as I've wanted to be. I'm sorry that I've missed so much of your life. I do love you, and I want to help you be the person that I also aspire to be.
They say that a wise man learns through the mistakes of others. Here I've collected my thoughts on a number of the qualities that define a person, and how I've come to terms with those qualities in myself (for better or for worse). Truth be told, I don't have a lot of experience with some of these, but I'll do my best.
At this point, you're probably wondering why I'm writing this instead of just talking to you. The reason is that I want you to be able to look back at this when you feel you need to. As you grow up, you'll go through phases. When I was 13, I knew EVERYTHING there was to know. Hell, I was going to college! Of course I knew how the world worked! When I was 17, I had it all figured out. I didn't need anyone; I could handle being pregnant on my own, and I would get a handle on my future as it happened. When I was 21, looking for my first job as my grad school money ran out, I got scared, and I started to wonder if I had as much figured out as I thought I did. Now, at 31, I know that it's not about knowing everything. It's about learning what you can, being honest about what you don't know, and always being ready to learn more. There are some times, though, when faking it gets you by for long enough that you learn what you needed to know.
I'm sure that part of it is simply that I want you to know me. So I'm sharing my story with you, including the story of you. It is my hope that by knowing me, you might learn a bit about yourself. It is also my hope that by knowing me, if you find yourself in need, you'll know that you can always come to me.
I don't know how much of this will make sense to you now, and that's the other reason why I'm writing this. I don't want to shelter you, and I certainly don't want you to not try something; I want you to experience everything there is in life. I want you to travel, to love, to laugh, to cry, to fear, to strive, to fail, and to achieve. I'm telling you these stories so that you can recognize similarities in your own life. Believe me, you'll make mistakes in your own life, no matter what . No one is perfect – our failures make us who we are as much as our achievements do. The trick is to learn from your mistakes, and I hope that by sharing my own stories, you'll gain a little more insight that you can use in your own way.
Every person is different. Every experience makes us who we are, and no two experiences are the same. I don't expect your life to turn out the same way mine has – in fact, I hope it doesn't. Have your own experiences. Make your own mistakes – often! I just want you to live your life knowing that everything you do makes you who you are, and that finding yourself may be as simple as reflecting on where you've already been.
I love you, my son.
--JRM
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